We have all seen these ads. I have personally never responded to or placed one. Good for me on the first and why the hell not on the second!?
As I write, a bird squawks in the other room. The thump of cat feet striking the floor, interrupts the rhythmic snoring of an overweight bulldog that could double as a prize sow in a B movie. A cage rattles as the ferret seeks it’s turn at running loose and hauling away anything that has not been nailed to the ceiling or stuffed up my….
Yesterday’s screaming cat fight, in the dining room, produced enough hair to weave a nice pair of winter socks.
A personal review of my creature chronicles has me questioning my sanity.
· There was the dog that ate one of my rodeo plaques.
· An attack rabbit that ate the wiring off of several appliances.
· Another dog that ran around and crapped inside the only new vehicle I have owned.
· Enough cumulative holes in the yard to bury a locomotive.
· Countless books, boots and belts gnawed by eclectic species.
· Trees destroyed.
· Mile after endless mile of pee, poop and puke, all that I paid good money for in its original state.
· Tons of cat, dog, ferret, horse, mouse, hamster, rat, bird, and rabbit feed.
· There is the gaping hole at the bottom of my office door, compliments of the aforementioned B movie star.
· A destroyed $250 money order. (Did get that one replaced..Thanks Sis)
· Debbie’s day planner devoured, gone.
· An historic encounter with a Chupacabra at friend’s house.
· Cat shredded furniture…..the list never-ending, on-going.
Fortunately for each of us my memories have faded and the above is but an inkling of what has transpired.
I do want to say that I am in awe of a cat’s athletic abilities. No, not the landing on the feet thing. It is their phenomenal proficiency at racing backwards and simultaneously barfing endless trails of mice and Meow Mix, which leaves me awestruck.
Feed suppliers around the state love me.
Veterinarians develop goose bumps at the mention of my name.
My Dentist is going to Hawaii….
Oh Yes! The teeth. Did I mention the teeth?
How could I leave out the teeth?
The Animal Keeper of All Time, my wife, has been having some dental work done. A part of the process has involved a temporary, partial. You are way ahead of me aren’t you?
Yes, it is true.
Now speaking with a bit more of an accent, coupled with a greater use of double negatives this incident has left, even, Mrs. Keeper bewildered.
I calculate the current monthly critter costs to equal the payment on a Bentley.
Hey Doc, have a nice time in Honolulu.
Free to Good Home? What do you think?
All said, all done I suppose I would do it all again much the same way.
My Love, loves her animals and truthfully, so do I.
But I do have to add…. about the teeth thing?
I so hope this one bites the dog in the ass. Really.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Free To Good Home
Posted by Marc at 2:28 PM
Labels:Quotes, Rambling, Short Story Short Story
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OMG...who can't use a good old tears running down your face, shoulders shaking, belly laugh...only to top it off by spewing a mouthful of coffee on your computer at the sight of "picture clincher" at the end!!!!ReplyDelete
BTW, so good to have you writing something new. Sis
Jeff says that's the way it is in this house - more pets than people!ReplyDelete
Dad says he was hoping that wasn't going be his old dog, Buddy, in the last picture (I was reading your blog to him and then turned the laptop around for him to see the picture you'd posted).
We all had a good laugh - love it! Skeeter
Great to find a new and VERY FUNNY post here. Boy can I relate to this one! Over the years we’ve had the usual dogs and cats, but we’ve also had rabbits, ducks, turtles, lizards, frogs, fish, rats, gerbils, chinchillas, goats, donkeys, doves, and a cockatiel, and all have left their mark, except for the fish (unless of course you count the mark in my wallet each time a saltwater tang went belly up.) Now however life is simple and serene. We have just 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 goats, and 2 donkeys, and I’ve made an agreement with all of them: “The humans get to live inside the house, and the animals get to live outside the house.” Unbeknownst to me however the cats were members of Pre-Paid Legal, and have since added the following to my original agreement: “Addendum no. 1. Concerning the indoor-outdoor privileges of all parties: Cats shall be treated as human beings during darkness, inclement weather, or whenever hunger strikes.” …Well, I tried.ReplyDelete